Yes/No

Yes, you may have seen me at some parades, especially during the day the first weekend and the second Saturday. 

No, I am not “feeling better.” “Feeling better” is a fucking tease. AS in general is fairly miserable. Even if my pain drops a point or 2, I’m still compromised, exhausted and uncomfortable. The difference between 8 and 6 is real but that doesn’t mean 6 is any fucking fun.

And yes, you did see me at Muses.

Yes, I had some people over and cooked. It was joyful. I made three king cakes this Carnival season, each one a crowd-pleaser and talked about long afterwards.

No, I’m not “doing better these days.” I can’t wait until “better” or “those days” to have some joy in my life, to enjoy one of my favorite times of year, to see people I love to see and never do because I am sick and they are not [or they also are], to wear a tank top on a sunny day, to get a new tattoo [or 3].

“Chronic” means every day, every single day, every single fucking day. Pain-wise, this is day 2226 for me.

Comparative Pain Scale, 0-10

Comparative Pain Scale, 0-10

As a PDF.

I generally live between 7-8 with occasional journeys to 9 and 9.5. I rail against antidepressants but “have” to take them because of that whole “severe personality change” thing—in my case, that “change” is depression, then depression with irritability, then depression with near-catatonic despair. 

So no, I can’t wait until I’m “better,” whatever the fuck that means in terms of AS, to do __. The list of things I don’t do will always be longer so don’t let the short list fool your ass. An outing or physical expenditure doesn’t mean I’m “better” or “cured.” It means I’m on an outing or expending some physical energy because I want.

About G Bitch

A mad black woman in New Orleans.
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3 Responses to Yes/No

  1. Cathe says:

    Damn. I was amazed at all the food you had prepared on Saturday because I knew from previous posts that you’re in pain all the time. I used to get pain from endometriosis that would range between 4 and 7, but I only had to deal with it one or two days a month, not Every. Damn. Day. And I felt soooo sorry for my poor, pathetic self. Congratulations on all you are accomplishing, in spite of the pain.

  2. liprap says:

    I myself puked twice Mardi Gras day, yet still flipped pancakes, passed ’round some bourbon grapefruit juice, & even managed to get out on the parade route a bit. So glad you got out there despite this crap. ((((((Hugs))))))

  3. kerri says:

    Thank you.

Comments welcomed. Really.